January 26, 2013

Remembering baby Grae

Because I cannot grieve in silence I have decided to share a very sacred and personal experience in the hopes that I can heal a bit easier.
Elliott and I discovered we were expecting baby #3 in Dec and shared the exciting news with family and a few friends on Christmas eve. Ella was the very most excited and immediately decided she would call the baby popstar. That time was full of joy and hope for our family as we anticipated the new member joining our family. We immediately started arguing about names, planning for tandem nursing, making prenatal appointments, and counting down the days to see our baby for the first time on the ultrasound screen. Elliott and I talked about the name Grae a few times so when Ella prayed at night she included baby "popstar" Grae in her prayers.

Jan.9th came and I was plenty far enough along to see baby via ultrasound. Baby was measured and was much smaller than should have been. Measured around 3 weeks behind with a heartbeat of only 74. My heart ached as I worried for the tiny babe I already had such a strong bond with. On Jan 14th I was called back in to the obgyn to discuss some abnormal blood work. Doctor was not hopeful that baby had survived according to my blood work but wanted another ultrasound just to confirm. Elliott, Cash and I waited for almost an hour and then had our ultrasound done. I lay there with tears pouring down my face as I look at the screen and saw a heart beating clear and strong. Baby was still measuring small, but moving and wiggling. Doctor was still concerned about a low heartbeat of only 118 but my baby looked perfect to me.

Our next ultrasound was a week later on Jan 22nd. This day I will never forget. We had decided that because our kids were both sick with colds, I would go alone. It was around 15 degrees out and our car would not start. I almost missed my appt but somehow still got there.

I saw my sweet baby again on the ultrasound screen this time with no heartbeat, no movement. Oh how I longed for that tiny little flicker on the screen but it was just not there. I was crushed. I ached for my baby. I just wanted to see that my precious baby had survived. No words can describe the horrible feeling that losing a child embodies. It is horrid.

I believe that this sweet spirit of this little baby was just to perfect for the trials of this earthly life. I believe that this sweet spirit needed to gain a body, even if it were just for a few short months. I believe that this baby is in the loving arms of our Heavenly Father with other perfect spirits to precious for this world. I do not know how long the grieving process will last but I know for sure I will never forget our sweet baby Grae. It is difficult to put into words what it is like to endure such a deep and personal loss. I have faith in my loving Heavenly Father and in his timing even through this difficult trial that has wounded me to the core. God is just and I trust in his plan for me, my husband, and our 3 precious children.

Baby Grae will be placed in a small white casket with other tiny babies that did not survive pregnancy and a small service will be held for all these precious angels in March. So grateful that we were offered this wonderful way to honor our sweet baby.

Ella still includes baby Grae in all of her prayers but understands that our baby went to heaven to be with Jesus. Our lives have been touched by our sweet baby Grae who will live forever in our hearts. What a sweet reunion it will someday be when we join our child in heaven.