January 26, 2013

Remembering baby Grae

Because I cannot grieve in silence I have decided to share a very sacred and personal experience in the hopes that I can heal a bit easier.
Elliott and I discovered we were expecting baby #3 in Dec and shared the exciting news with family and a few friends on Christmas eve. Ella was the very most excited and immediately decided she would call the baby popstar. That time was full of joy and hope for our family as we anticipated the new member joining our family. We immediately started arguing about names, planning for tandem nursing, making prenatal appointments, and counting down the days to see our baby for the first time on the ultrasound screen. Elliott and I talked about the name Grae a few times so when Ella prayed at night she included baby "popstar" Grae in her prayers.

Jan.9th came and I was plenty far enough along to see baby via ultrasound. Baby was measured and was much smaller than should have been. Measured around 3 weeks behind with a heartbeat of only 74. My heart ached as I worried for the tiny babe I already had such a strong bond with. On Jan 14th I was called back in to the obgyn to discuss some abnormal blood work. Doctor was not hopeful that baby had survived according to my blood work but wanted another ultrasound just to confirm. Elliott, Cash and I waited for almost an hour and then had our ultrasound done. I lay there with tears pouring down my face as I look at the screen and saw a heart beating clear and strong. Baby was still measuring small, but moving and wiggling. Doctor was still concerned about a low heartbeat of only 118 but my baby looked perfect to me.

Our next ultrasound was a week later on Jan 22nd. This day I will never forget. We had decided that because our kids were both sick with colds, I would go alone. It was around 15 degrees out and our car would not start. I almost missed my appt but somehow still got there.

I saw my sweet baby again on the ultrasound screen this time with no heartbeat, no movement. Oh how I longed for that tiny little flicker on the screen but it was just not there. I was crushed. I ached for my baby. I just wanted to see that my precious baby had survived. No words can describe the horrible feeling that losing a child embodies. It is horrid.

I believe that this sweet spirit of this little baby was just to perfect for the trials of this earthly life. I believe that this sweet spirit needed to gain a body, even if it were just for a few short months. I believe that this baby is in the loving arms of our Heavenly Father with other perfect spirits to precious for this world. I do not know how long the grieving process will last but I know for sure I will never forget our sweet baby Grae. It is difficult to put into words what it is like to endure such a deep and personal loss. I have faith in my loving Heavenly Father and in his timing even through this difficult trial that has wounded me to the core. God is just and I trust in his plan for me, my husband, and our 3 precious children.

Baby Grae will be placed in a small white casket with other tiny babies that did not survive pregnancy and a small service will be held for all these precious angels in March. So grateful that we were offered this wonderful way to honor our sweet baby.

Ella still includes baby Grae in all of her prayers but understands that our baby went to heaven to be with Jesus. Our lives have been touched by our sweet baby Grae who will live forever in our hearts. What a sweet reunion it will someday be when we join our child in heaven.


Drago Family said...

my deepest sympathies. As I read your words and your eternal perspective I can't help but feel this baby is yours.
I can't express how impressed I am with you. The transformation you have accomplish both body and spirit over the last few years is amazing. You have always been wonderful and I miss having you as a neighbor. lots of love going your way. Sarah Drago

***megan*** said...

Angie & Elliott,
My heart aches for you. I am so sorry that you lost this little one. You and your family are in my prayers.

Christie Seel said...

Love you, Angie! What a blessing that we know we will be reunited with the ones we lose. Just keep on being that awesome mom that you are!

Panda said...

Grae is such a beautiful name. Thank you for sharing your beautiful testimony. Love to you, Angie, and your sweet family.

Cori Lee said...

Love and prayers to you and your sweet family. I also lost a baby at 4 months it was my first. I struggled hard cried A LOT...and could feel that sweet spirit leave my body. A year after loosing my sweet first baby I had my SWEET Gethin...I know God loves us and I had learned as a Child Of God the sacrifice as a parent. After having Gethin u would hold him crying in utter awe of the beautiful atonement and the LOVE Heavenly Father has for each of us to know that his OWN son Jesus Christ would suffer and die for our sins. It hit me like nothing else, there are so many times in our lives that we gain a testimony of one aspect of our Heavenly Fathers plan and we have it etched in our hearts forever. Until then we do not always understand. This is why to me life, IS a very very sacred thing. Babies are pure blessings and the pure Love of our Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ.
I love you 2-hype you are an amazing woman and sharing our lives with each other is an awesome thing.

Cori Lee said...

My boys and I always say that it was their sister.

Amy said...

What a tender tribute to baby Grae. Thank you for sharing your strength and testimony with us. My Dear Friend, You are an amazing woman. I'm so impressed how well you endure. I love you and thank you for your example.

Melanie @ Addicted to Homes said...

I am so sorry Angie! Hugs and love to you and your sweet family.

The Nurse Mommy said...

all of my love!! You said it beautifully!

Bonnie said...

What a beautiful expression of love and devotion to family and children. My heart goes out to you and Elliot, Ella and baby Cash...So sorry...I meant earlier I was praying for you for comfort...LOVE you guys...truly...

Amy said...

Angie, my heart aches for you. You are in my prayers. I cried as I read your story. I have never had the joy of having children. I am not able to have kids and my heart has longed for them. Thankfully, I have been blessed with 30 nieces and nephews that I love dearly. I treat them as if they were my own kids. I know our Heavenly Father loves you and is watching over your family. I think your an amazing woman with a strong testimony. I will keep your family in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your story.

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