Heartbreaking Joy

Honestly there are no words to describe March 12,2013. We buried our baby. Our baby that should still be growing inside me. Our baby that died. It was a heartbreaking experience and yet I feel so much peace. I felt gratitude on top of sorrow and joy on top of grief. I wish that baby Grae was in my arms instead of in the ground but I know things are exactly how they should be. I am eternally grateful for this experience and as much as it hurts to have a missing child from our family here on earth, I feel beyond grateful to have a child in heaven. I feel honored in some ways that my Heavenly Father trusted me enough to endure this experience. I know He will only give us things we can handle. We lost our sweet baby almost 8 weeks ago. TIME DOES NOT HEAL! This does not get any easier. My baby is still gone and will still be gone in 8 more weeks and in 8 more years. Things are not getting easier but I am getting stronger. It still takes my breath away every time I see a pregnant glowing Mommy but it no longer brings me to tears. I am getting stronger. I get sick to my stomach every time I drive by my obgyn office but it no longer brings me to tears. I am getting stronger. I am a tiny bit jealous every time I see a Mommmy snuggle her newborn but it no longer brings me to tears. I am getting stronger. I still cry. I cry a lot. Ella sings a primary song. I cry. Elliott refers to Cash as the "baby". I cry. We get yet another bill from the hospital. I cry. Ella draws a picture of baby Grae with angel wings (daily). I cry. I am in deep thought while running a few miles. I cry. I cry a lot and I am okay with that. I am not healing, I am getting stronger and I am okay with that too. Baby Grae has brought me the most heartbreaking joy I have ever experienced and I am sad on top of blessed.