March 22, 2013

Heartbreaking Joy

Honestly there are no words to describe March 12,2013. We buried our baby. Our baby that should still be growing inside me. Our baby that died. It was a heartbreaking experience and yet I feel so much peace. I felt gratitude on top of sorrow and joy on top of grief. I wish that baby Grae was in my arms instead of in the ground but I know things are exactly how they should be. I am eternally grateful for this experience and as much as it hurts to have a missing child from our family here on earth, I feel beyond grateful to have a child in heaven. I feel honored in some ways that my Heavenly Father trusted me enough to endure this experience. I know He will only give us things we can handle. We lost our sweet baby almost 8 weeks ago. TIME DOES NOT HEAL! This does not get any easier. My baby is still gone and will still be gone in 8 more weeks and in 8 more years. Things are not getting easier but I am getting stronger. It still takes my breath away every time I see a pregnant glowing Mommy but it no longer brings me to tears. I am getting stronger. I get sick to my stomach every time I drive by my obgyn office but it no longer brings me to tears. I am getting stronger. I am a tiny bit jealous every time I see a Mommmy snuggle her newborn but it no longer brings me to tears. I am getting stronger. I still cry. I cry a lot. Ella sings a primary song. I cry. Elliott refers to Cash as the "baby". I cry. We get yet another bill from the hospital. I cry. Ella draws a picture of baby Grae with angel wings (daily). I cry. I am in deep thought while running a few miles. I cry. I cry a lot and I am okay with that. I am not healing, I am getting stronger and I am okay with that too. Baby Grae has brought me the most heartbreaking joy I have ever experienced and I am sad on top of blessed.


Amy said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers Angie.

Cammie said...

Oh Angie, Love to all of you during this painful time. You are in my thoughts and prayers as well.

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