Heartbreaking Joy

Honestly there are no words to describe March 12,2013. We buried our baby. Our baby that should still be growing inside me. Our baby that died. It was a heartbreaking experience and yet I feel so much peace. I felt gratitude on top of sorrow and joy on top of grief. I wish that baby Grae was in my arms instead of in the ground but I know things are exactly how they should be. I am eternally grateful for this experience and as much as it hurts to have a missing child from our family here on earth, I feel beyond grateful to have a child in heaven. I feel honored in some ways that my Heavenly Father trusted me enough to endure this experience. I know He will only give us things we can handle. We lost our sweet baby almost 8 weeks ago. TIME DOES NOT HEAL! This does not get any easier. My baby is still gone and will still be gone in 8 more weeks and in 8 more years. Things are not getting easier but I am getting stronger. It still takes my breath away every time I see a pregnant glowing Mommy but it no longer brings me to tears. I am getting stronger. I get sick to my stomach every time I drive by my obgyn office but it no longer brings me to tears. I am getting stronger. I am a tiny bit jealous every time I see a Mommmy snuggle her newborn but it no longer brings me to tears. I am getting stronger. I still cry. I cry a lot. Ella sings a primary song. I cry. Elliott refers to Cash as the "baby". I cry. We get yet another bill from the hospital. I cry. Ella draws a picture of baby Grae with angel wings (daily). I cry. I am in deep thought while running a few miles. I cry. I cry a lot and I am okay with that. I am not healing, I am getting stronger and I am okay with that too. Baby Grae has brought me the most heartbreaking joy I have ever experienced and I am sad on top of blessed.

Remembering baby Grae

Because I cannot grieve in silence I have decided to share a very sacred and personal experience in the hopes that I can heal a bit easier.

Elliott and I discovered we were expecting baby #3 in Dec and shared the exciting news with family and a few friends on Christmas eve. Ella was the very most excited and immediately decided she would call the baby popstar. That time was full of joy and hope for our family as we anticipated the new member joining our family. We immediately started arguing about names, planning for tandem nursing, making prenatal appointments, and counting down the days to see our baby for the first time on the ultrasound screen. Elliott and I talked about the name Grae a few times so when Ella prayed at night she included baby "popstar" Grae in her prayers.

Jan.9th came and I was plenty far enough along to see baby via ultrasound. Baby was measured and was much smaller than should have been. Measured around 3 weeks behind with a heartbeat of only 74. My heart ached as I worried for the tiny babe I already had such a strong bond with. On Jan 14th I was called back in to the obgyn to discuss some abnormal blood work. Doctor was not hopeful that baby had survived according to my blood work but wanted another ultrasound just to confirm. Elliott, Cash and I waited for almost an hour and then had our ultrasound done. I lay there with tears pouring down my face as I look at the screen and saw a heart beating clear and strong. Baby was still measuring small, but moving and wiggling. Doctor was still concerned about a low heartbeat of only 118 but my baby looked perfect to me.

Our next ultrasound was a week later on Jan 22nd. This day I will never forget. We had decided that because our kids were both sick with colds, I would go alone. It was around 15 degrees out and our car would not start. I almost missed my appt but somehow still got there.

I saw my sweet baby again on the ultrasound screen this time with no heartbeat, no movement. Oh how I longed for that tiny little flicker on the screen but it was just not there. I was crushed. I ached for my baby. I just wanted to see that my precious baby had survived. No words can describe the horrible feeling that losing a child embodies. It is horrid.

I believe that this sweet spirit of this little baby was just to perfect for the trials of this earthly life. I believe that this sweet spirit needed to gain a body, even if it were just for a few short months. I believe that this baby is in the loving arms of our Heavenly Father with other perfect spirits to precious for this world. I do not know how long the grieving process will last but I know for sure I will never forget our sweet baby Grae. It is difficult to put into words what it is like to endure such a deep and personal loss. I have faith in my loving Heavenly Father and in his timing even through this difficult trial that has wounded me to the core. God is just and I trust in his plan for me, my husband, and our 3 precious children.

Baby Grae will be placed in a small white casket with other tiny babies that did not survive pregnancy and a small service will be held for all these precious angels in March. So grateful that we were offered this wonderful way to honor our sweet baby.

Ella still includes baby Grae in all of her prayers but understands that our baby went to heaven to be with Jesus. Our lives have been touched by our sweet baby Grae who will live forever in our hearts. What a sweet reunion it will someday be when we join our child in heaven.

Santa through the years...

2012

2011
2010

2009

2008

Picture Day at Preschool

Cash is 6 months old!

This big guy has been in our lives for half a year!

New Trick

Cash is sure a silly little boy. He knows how to ham it up when the camera comes out. Check out his new trick...

Adorable, right?!?!?

Cash gets mobile

Sleeping Siblings

The other day Elliott had to work at 2 am and would not be off until noon the following day. I had appointments that morning and needed the car so I had no other choice but to take him to work. We woke the kids up, packed them in the car and headed to drop off Daddy. When we got back home both Ella and Cash had a rough time falling back to sleep. I had to nurse Cash and read Ella a story. Once they fell asleep they were OUT!!! I left them in bed with me. I of course did not sleep well. I never do when Elliott is not home. So every time I woke up I snapped a picture of my cute little kids curled up next to each other.

LOVE my little snuggle bears!

Preschooler with Style!

Ella LOVES going to preschool. She goes Tuesdays and Thursdays. On school nights we make sure her homework is done. On Tuesdays she usually has to draw a picture of the "shape of the week". So far we have done circle, triangle, oval, star, rectangle. Thursdays her homework is to wear something that is the "color of the week". After homework we get her clothes all picked out for the next morning.This is serious business for Ella. She has an opinion about everything and says no to quite a few outfits I suggest before putting a combination together herself. Lately this is my favorite part of our week. It is our little 20 minute girly time and I LOVE it. She pick out her hair bow to match her clothes and tells me exactly how she wants her hair done. So cute. I know I am bias but my little preschooler has the best style.

5 months

Too tired to play

Cash is NOT a napper. He will only nap if it is in the car in his carseat or one of us is holding him. Other than that, he just won't nap. I guess I learned the solution to that today...

His little jumper toy made him so tired he fell asleep right in it. So funny. One minute he was bouncing and talking and the next minute out like a light. See how he is still holding on for dear life. I was afraid to move him. I left him there for awhile but the second I started to pry his little fingers loose he opened his eyes and started bouncing again like nothing had happened. Funny little kid!

California Trip

We had an amazing time visiting family in California. aunt Tatia was able to fly out there with us. We stayed with her in Oceanside most of the trip. Baby Cash got to meet grammie, Papa, Aunt Tia, and Uncle Gavin for the first time.

Aunt Tatia took us all to Sea World. It was awesome to see the girls there together. They loved it. We took a trip to the beach and spent some time at the park too. It was amazing to see my parents and my sisters but the best part of all is watching our kids play together. They are the cutest of cousins. So fun that next year there will be another baby girl cousin added to the mix. Can't wait for our next trip.